Cabbage

I have been gradually losing a pound here and pound there over the last month all down to my weekly weigh in at my local slimming club. Yes, I am happy that I have slightly less of a tyre hanging around me, but the fact is it is still there. This obviously means I could do with a bit of a fat busting push. After visiting the internet dieting sites (and avoiding liposuction) I have decided to stick to an ever so appetising cabbage soup for a few days.

Day one and I am not too daunted by the prospect of a cabbage filled day, yet I am not bothered about missing out breakfast to avoid it either.

By lunchtime I am hungry as a horse and happily demolish a fat bowl of green leaves. I manage to avoid snacking all afternoon and am proud that I haven’t cracked.

I pour my bowl for dinner. Second helping of healthy slop is less than satisfying but ultimate goal of tyre-less waist spur’s me on.

Day two I awake to slimy soup, I manage half a bowl then head to brush away the chalky green taste. While brushing I am suddenly aware that my breath is less than fragrant. After two round’s of mouthwash I keep my fingers crossed that none of the school gate mum’s want to chat this morning.

By lunchtime I realise bad breath is the least of my problems, on two occasions toddler son has left the room due to my less than attractive bottom burps.

I insist to self that if I manage another day I will have at least managed to detox for three.

The man arrives home from work with a look of disgust. I am guessing that the cabbage smell is starting to put him off looking in my direction, let alone hold discussion without a safe vapour proof wall between us. Beauty is pain methinks, I hadn’t banked the pain being in hubby’s nostrils.

At the end of day two I am exhausted, unsure whether that is down to the increased effort needed to avoid others or simply lack of calories.

Day three finally arrives and the man takes me to the side to inform me that during the night he had considered evacuating the family from my “fumes”. Red with embarrassment I refrain from speech through fear of intoxicating the air even more.

Cabbage diet is well and truly over for me, as is talking - for a bit anyway!

Girl friends...

As a women there are pro’s and con’s to having a close network of girlfriend’s.

The advantages, no doubt, outnumber the disadvantages. You always have a sympathetic ear or a handbag to borrow when in need. The downside is that to gain these advantages there often has to be some give too. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to lend a shoulder or offer advice where I can, but of course at times sound advice is not always taken - leading you into “I told you so territory” .

Mainly this happens unsurprisingly when it comes to relationships. I am guilty of it myself, but there comes a point where enough is enough.

Obviously there have been occasions in my own life that I have thought with heart and not head and given the then current love interest a second chance where I should have walked away. Course being the bystander is often a harder role to take and furthermore do as I say and not as I do springs to mind!

A pal call’s asking for a coffee date. Great stuff methinks, an excuse to avoid the ironing for an hour or so at least. In she comes with tear streaked eyes and mascara half way down her neck. Immediately I know that the useless excuse of a man that she is dating has been up to his old tricks. I grab her coffee and guide her to the confessions couch to discuss.

To my relief she informs me that she has finally split with the commitment phobic slime ball. Here is my green light to tell her exactly how rotten I have always thought he has been, leading me nicely onto the “you are much better without him” speech.

By the time she leaves the mascara has been reapplied and she is ready to face the world again. I am happy that she can finally see the error of her judgement and can move on with a smile.

Three weeks on after various rushed phone conversations I head out to see her for a quick drink, ready to hear some big news?!

On route I wonder whether she has met someone new or that she has got promoted at work.

As I approach I am shocked to see slime ball sitting next to pal. Heading towards them with caution, I notice a rather large rock on her left hand. Please god no.

By the looks on their faces I can tell that I am going to need a new hat.

I awkwardly congratulate the pair wondering how I am ever going to be able to look her in the eye again without wincing.

Note to self. From now on I will offer the ear and keep mouth shut.